by Robert Husband
Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.” – Colossians 4:6 (NASB)
What in heaven’s name does that mean and how do we do it? As a Christian, I always thought it meant be nice, be polite, be gracious, and be kind to others. Over the years however, I’ve come to believe it means something quite different. I believe, loosely translated, it means “Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you may know the need of each person and meet that need.” Hence, I would suggest that rather than general kindness and empathy in speaking, this verse talks specifically to how we give feedback to each other. It is not so much about being nice (gracious) as it is about helping others meet a need. There are two elements to addressing need in this verse. Knowing the need and then meeting it.
To know the other’s need, we have to be a good listener. We must probe, we must explore, we must ask questions. So, a critical part of speaking with grace is to start with listening. To put a finer point on it, all gracious conversations start with listening. Yes, I am suggesting every conversation. And how do you start with listening, by asking questions.
Once you have identified a need or recognized a place where you can provide feedback, HOW you provide the feedback is incredibly important. Particularly if it has the potential of being perceived as negative feedback. All of us are sensitive to feedback, particularly if we hear it as negative. Providing feedback that is helpful and meets a need is never about being overly nice or polite. In fact, being overly nice or polite has the potential of creating doubt or suspicion. It can even reduce trust rather than increase it.
Years ago, a popular and suggested method of giving feedback was called the “sandwich method”. You first provide positive feedback, then negative feedback, and end with positive feedback. Hence, the “sandwich”, negative feedback sandwiched between two positives. It proved to be ineffective. People begin ignoring the positive while waiting for the negative. And began to distrust the provider of the feedback viewing them as lacking transparency or candor. The phrase, “Waiting for the other shoe to drop” seems appropriate here.
A more useful way/sequence of providing feedback that meets a genuine need (gracious feedback) is “bad news-good news-details”. Tell them what you see as negative first, then share what you see as positive, and finally details, or what they might do about it. It’s not dancing around the issues. It’s not sending mixed messages (the sandwich method). And it’s not avoiding the hard conversations. In short, having a gracious conversation can be very very difficult. In fact, when the writer compares “speech being seasoned with grace as it were with salt”, he is speaking to this dynamic. Salt is frequently used to purify and to heal, particularly when it comes to wounds (needs). But not without sting. Meeting a need sometimes means pouring salt on a wound. Showing it for what it is. Addressing it openly. Helping to identify the truth of a situation and having that truth set someone free.
Counter to what we might feel, sharing the bad news first, then the good news, and finally the details create transparency, hope and direction. And. the order is important. Any other order reduces transparency and creates confusion. But HOW we share bad news, good news, and details is the secret sauce in our receipt for gracious speech. But we’ll address that next time.
©2025 Robert Husband. PhD, THE ASLAN GROUP. Used by permission. Dr. Husband can be reached at: rhusband@illinois.edu
Part one of a series by Robert Husband.